Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lost in Translation.

Peter often tells me that he could never be a teacher. I couldn't agree more.

He lacks the patience, subtlety and ability to write euphemistic and politically correct messages in report cards.
Below, in italics, is an example of I what I think Peter's reports would look like, if ever he were forced to write any. Subtle as a sledgehammer, that's my hubby!

First, our dear Porpentilla:

Porpentilla is a nice, easy-going child.

Porpentilla is flaky and remarkably clueless child.

This grade is representative of Porpentilla's effort, rather than her capabilities.
She might have some semblance of a pea-brain rattling around in her cavernous head. I'm not sure, though. She is so sloth-ridden and disorganized that, by all written evidence, which includes a few half-scrawled incomplete and incoherent assignments, she most likely has the IQ of a dishcloth

I encourage Porpentilla to be more attentive in class and to work on being prepared to participate, as well as to use her planner in order to keep track of upcoming assignments and due dates.
Considering Porpentilla spends all her time in class staring eyelids-a-flutter at boys, drawing pictures of unicorns and picking her nose with her ruler, I'm not surprised that she has no idea what her homework is.

If she is able to work on these areas, I have no doubt that she will see an increase in her grade next term.
I don't want to upset or anger you, because all parents believe their child is a genius, so I will give you a faint glimmer of hope that she will one day be able to support herself by working at McDonalds, cleaning the bathrooms. For now, though, she is failing both my classes.

Oh, Grombert! Another dismal report:

Grombert is an active and energetic child who participates willingly in class.
This kid needs to be stapled to his seat; he clearly has ADHD. When he is absent for the day, I wonder why I can suddenly hear myself think.

I encourage Grombert to use his class time more effectively and to be mindful and respectful towards his peers.
Just last week I watched Grombert waste an entire hour-long work period clicking his mechanical pencil until all the lead fell out, then putting it back in and starting over, all the while singing the theme song to "Gilligan's Island" using only the word "fart". Pathetic.

I hope that Grombert will begin to take more ownership over his learning, as he works his way towards being a mature and independent pupil.
He would fit in nicely in a grade 2 classroom. The other students would appreciate his sense of humour. Unfortunately, I'm forced to send him off to High School next year. Best o' luck, hope you enjoy supporting him well into his thirties.

Tee hee.

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